Happy Easter!

So, I'm contemplating how I can fit more into my day, and it is driving me crazy. There are so many things that I think I need to do, but I can't get them all accomplished in the day. I have been doing a lot of things myself. Such as, I make my own laundry detergent, cleaners, jam (and other canned things), concoctions such as playdough and paints for the kids, and it's really fun. However, there are things I need to do, so many appointments to keep, shuffling the kids to and from places they need or want to go, and then there is writing. I am trying to keep up...I really am.

I got some bad news the other day about my glucose test, and now I have to go in for a 3 hours glucose test on Tuesday (I have a doctor's appointment on Monday). I'm also waiting on a new referral for the high risk pregnancy specialist and waiting for my authorization for my therapy. I need therapy. There are too many things going on in my life, and I need some perspective. Had a terrible panic attack last night, because I felt like my baby wasn't moving as much as she should be. She's pretty calm nearly all day. Thankfully, she kicks the crap out of me all night.

I planted a lot of seeds today, and hope they sprout. I'm trying to train myself to be more self-sufficient; especially since I can't really get a job...

Not a good day...

I so hate depression. I miss my mania and things are not going my way. Realized my propane was on '0' (if you have natural gas, you may not understand, but propane is prepaid and they come and fill up a tank, so once it is gone, it's gone) and I don't get paid until the 20th, so that means no hot water, clean clothes, dishes, children...etc. That made ma upset enough...

Then I get a message saying my appointments with the genetic counselor and for an ultrasound to check on baby's kidneys have been canceled, because my insurance changed! Well, apparently at the beginning of April my insurance changed, and the doctor I was referred to doesn't take it. I didn't get a notice in the mail or anything, so now I'm very stressed about not knowing if my baby is ok. I was so looking forward to the ultrasound tomorrow and finally getting a step closer to knowing if she was alright, but now I have to wait for another referral and appointment...however long that is going to take.

I have been crying all morning. I'm broke and feel helpless...hopeless... I hope my assessment is processed quickly so I can go back to my therapist soon. The anxiety and depression is driving me insane. I just want to go back to bed. Unfortunately, I have things to do. Have to go to the bank and deposit the little money I do have so the checks I wrote don't bounce tonight. How pathetic. Then...I am broke again and have to worry about what to feed the family...and how to cook it. :(

Therapy...

I haven't had any coffee this morning, so I'm feeling a little blah. I had forgotten that I was out of iced coffee (for some reason baby girl doesn't like hot coffee) and there is some coffee with sugar chilling in the fridge, and hopefully it will get me through the afternoon. I'm going to keep telling myself that that is the reason my mood is sour this morning.

I woke up to a filthy house (surprise, surprise!) and that didn't help. I think that one of my goals for today will be to make some chore charts for the kids. I know my daughter has been consumed with caring for the baby bunnies (who are either dead or near death) that our dog brought home, and she will not be happy to come home to find them all deceased, but I can't do everything by myself. Middle son is always a challenge to get to help, and hopefully oldest son will be in a good mood today.

Yesterday, I got absolutely nothing accomplished at home because I was out all day. I had a gestational diabetes test, and that was a blast. I got some writing done and listened to some racist old women, along with a woman who exclaimed, "I hate being 90!" and various other humorous comments filled my hour.

Then, it was off to therapy, which was really nice. She is completely different from my last therapist (who really just sat and listened to me for a year and never gave any advice, but the psychiatrist was not shy at all to prescribe drugs that caused me to be suicidal and never giving me an accurate diagnosis). She was very positive that she could help with my anxiety and other bipolar issues, and I left feeling very confident.

Today, I'm going to try and do as much as I can without beating myself up about it. I'm sad...I hate that feeling.

I think the mania is officially over...

Today is my oldest son's 14th birthday and I am trying to be happy, but I've been sad all day. I miss the mania. I always hope it will last forever, but it never does. For my son's birthday I got him a checking account and deposited money in it, which should have made him happy (he really likes that kind of stuff) but it didn't. He has been mean and nasty to me all day and I just want to hug him, but he would never let me.

My middle son had this huge bumps on his side and it looks like a staph infection (my little one had one several years ago, so I've seen it before) so now, not only am I sad, but panicked and it's after 5pm, so I have to wait until tomorrow to take him to the doctor to confirm my fears.

The kids are going to Legoland with their dad on Friday, but I'm not going because I'm too pregnant to ride the rides and my oldest doesn't want to go. He is having friends over, so I figured we could clean the house, including the carpets. I love those kids more than life it hurts so bad when they say horrible things to me. I am miserable and wish that I could find something to make me happy again.

What a day...

I am not sure if I can convey in words, what a tumultuous day today has been. Woke up in a fantastic mood, although I had jury duty. Figured I could sit there, write, and all would be right in the world. Well, the first part was accurate, then I was called in to a courtroom at 10:30 and by this time, my back was hurting and not in the 'I spent 15 hours yesterday cleaning my house and making things for my babies in a manic craze' sort of way. This was a 'When the hell can I can out of here and go to the hospital, because I feel a kidney stone' pain. So, luckily I was excused from jury duty, due to the fact that I have a high risk pregnancy and have too many appointments to commit to jury service, and I fled to the hospital.

There I received wonderful pain medication, but learned that they really couldn't do much for me or scan me properly while I was pregnant. So, I went to the pharmacy, found out my insurance didn't cover the dosage that was prescribed for me, cried, and realized I was depressed. I am not sure if it was from the opiates or the crappy news I've received all week, but I'm definitely not feeling my best. I sad. I'm worried. I want to feel good again. Maybe tomorrow?

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I am going to schedule a therapy appointment. Should have done that earlier...

I love being manic...

Mania for me, it pretty fantastic! I have more energy, start new projects, eat healthier and wake up in a much better mood. It makes me very sad that one day, it will be gone and I will have to deal again with the depression, foggy brain, and non-productivity. I get up, wash dishes and clothes, write, and make things for the kids.

For instance, this morning, I got up before 6am, made monkey bread for breakfast, chocolate chip cookies for the kids' lunches, crocheted a skein into the beginning of a baby blanket my little unborn girl, washed two hand-washed loads of dishes, and the second load of laundry is in the washer (first is in the dryer), I've promoted some of my articles, and have much more planned for today. I do realize I will crash this afternoon, but it will be a well-deserved nap. I only wish that I could motivate my son to turn off the TV and play.

I thought I was going to lose it
yesterday though. I got a call from my OB saying that there may be an issue with my daughter's kidney's, but it is too soon to tell, and she is referring me to a specialist. I keep telling myself that everything will be fine. The doctor said that it could be a normal variation, and not to worry. It's a little difficult though, when there is a helpless little baby in your womb that depends on you for survival. I hope she's ok. She's kicking the crap out of me, so I know she's happy.

Like I said, I've been writing a lot, and now I am the Channel Manager of the Teens channel on Helium. Here are some articles I have been working on, and I hope to add more today.
How to handle unwanted parenting advice
Tips for efficient house cleaning
Money is the root of all evil
Why writing for Helium is better than blogging
Reflections: Abortion
Setting social media limits for your pre-teens

Pictures I took yesterday:

Aches and pains

So today I'm trying to fend off all the aches and pains. Headache, backache, my joints are still, and have painful heartburn that won't quit! I am trying not to let it ruin my day. I am desperate to be happy and want to get some housework and writing done. Tonight is a busy night, the boys have Open House at their school, and I don't want to be crabby and miserable. It is moments like these when I REALLY wish ibuprofen wasn't off limits.

I am very happy to have my little man home today though. We are watching Rocko's Modern Life, which I can't stand, but hopefully I will feel better soon and can read and play with the love of my life. We ate a good breakfast and just relaxing. I wish all of my children enjoyed being around me as much as he does. It makes me sad to think he'll outgrow me too...

Everything I read says that ibuprofen is relatively safe during the second trimester, so I'm sure it wouldn't hurt. I am SO miserable!