Struggling with everything...

I am mid-anxiety attack right now, and it is hard to breathe. My heart feels like it is going to explode! My kids have the week off from school and I feel like everything is a battle. It hurts, both physically and mentally. All I want is a clean home! I ask everyone to pitch in and it is a constant battle until I break. I hate it. I shouldn't have to clean up after all of the inhabitants of my home, right?

They are very messy. Messier than they think, and I struggle everyday to clean up, just to wake up to a disaster the next morning. I'm really trying. They don't think they should have to clean unless someone is coming over. Really??

I came from a house, where if everything wasn't put back in its place by morning, my grandmother was livid! It was stressful to make sure that I didn't make a mess, or at least cleaned up everything before I went to bed. I didn't want my kids to have that kind of stress, but come on, they don't clean up anything! I wake up to wrappers and bottles all over, half empty cups, bowls, plates, you name it, everywhere!

I just want to cry! I can't handle having a messy home, one where I would be embarrassed to have anyone see! Clutter and mess depresses me and fighting with them about it causes anxiety. I feel nauseated and weak. This is not a feeling that I relish. Lack of organization is one of my triggers. I love things to be clean and organized. Sometimes I feel like that is unattainable...

Happy and sad...

Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day in bed, didn't do ANYTHING, not even a load of laundry. I watched House on the computer, didn't take a shower until 6pm, slept and stared at a computer screen. I was a mess. It makes me feel awful when I'm like that. I'm better than that. Like I've said before, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Today, I woke up at 5am, battled the cold, and forced myself to get up and take my oldest son to school at 6am, so that he could go on a field trip to Catalina Island. He'll be back on Friday. I came home, got the rest of the kids ready, took them to school, came home, washed dishes, clothes, and began writing. What is wrong with me? I can be better, I know that I can, so why is it so hard to be consistent?

I cried, I miss my son, even though he's normally be at school now anyway. It's just that I know he's far away, I worry about him getting seasick because he wouldn't take any Dramamine, I hope that he's not too insecure to go snorkeling in a bathing suit (he hates wearing one) and I know he's not going to be mine for much longer. He'll be 14 next month, and in 4 years that little baby that made me a mom will be off on his own. He'll go off to college, and I won't be able to see him everyday. I don't like this part of being a parent, because although I will be his mother for eternity, I know I will always need him more than he needs me.

Rain, Rain...

It's raining this morning, which is very nice, but I have to go out in it, and I left clothes out on the line yesterday (waiting for my dryer to get fized). Since I've been feeling slightly less than happy, I decided to write this: Reflections: Being a good person Last I checked, it was ranked #1, but that can change quickly.

There are so many things on my mind it's a little hard to organize them properly. I feel a purge coming on. It always makes me feel more clear-headed when I get rid of things. I hate clutter. I don't have knickknacks or art on my walls (although I did promise the girl that she could create all my wall art). I don't own many things. I hate not having a place for everything, but that is the way it is right now. There are things, without homes, and it bothers me. My bedroom is a mess, and that is supposed to be my haven.

Things are getting cleaner around the house though. My son has a friend coming over so he chipped in cleaning too, which is wonderful! My daughter is being awful to me, and I don't have the strength to fight with her. She says the most horrible things to me and I wonder where all that anger comes from. I know I don't deserve it, because I treat her better than anyone ever treated me. I thought she would be excited when I picked her up yesterday, I brought her phone after I paid the bill, brought her a new pencil set she got in the mail, and she was still grumpy and angry. I'll blame it on puberty for now...

I think I need to bake something...that will make me feel better.

Please stop acting like I'm ok...

I think the most frustrating part of bipolar disorder is that unless you have it, you really can't understand what it's like. I'm sick of people saying to look on the bright side (no offense Monty Python)and to "count your blessings." My brain doesn't work in the same way, so it's impossible for me to put things into perspective in the same way. It is a mental illness that I cannot escape...ever. Many people end up committing suicide as a result of it.

There are things that I am thankful for...every day. My children, my physical health, my house, etc., but there is a time where I cannot focus on any of that. I am a slave to my thoughts and I cannot control my emotional or mental state.

However, it isn't bad all the time. I am lucky that I am not institutionalized. I am fortunate to have coping mechanisms, but they are things I have to work through alone. It is painful. I have taken enough medication to know that it is not right for me, and that rather than improve my symptoms, it makes them worse. I can't afford to play Russian Roulette with my brain...

Today is good! I am thankful for that, and when I feel good, I love to be treated like a normal person. It isn't sympathy, as much as not acknowledging there is a problem when there is. When I am depressed, I get ignored. I hate that.

I also hate when people tell me that bipolar disorder is over-diagnosed. What is that even suppose to mean to me? I know my problems aren't dietary or exclusively (although it does affect my mood) environmental. I know that I experience mania, anxiety, and depression, and that my brain can't focus when I want it too. I know that anti-depressants and anti-seizure medications cause me to be not only suicidal, but borderline homicidal as well, and that isn't normal. I know that I am bipolar and it really doesn't comfort me when someone tells me that it is over-diagnosed; in fact, it is irritating. I don't like to use it as an excuse, but at least I know the problem. I know there is a name for it. I know that when my plans fall apart and I can't manage to finish what I've set out to do, I'm not lazy, and I can forgive myself, because I can't control it. More than anything, I want to be this strong, independent, self-sufficient person, that can take on anything; that is my dream. I know I can't have it, in its entirety, but it's a good dream...

Caffeine: My friend or my nemesis?

Today when I woke up, I felt nearly normal. As close to normal as I think I can be under the current circumstances. I felt ok, until someone put me in a sour mood. I don't think it was completely his fault, but I had a very rough day and felt not just grumpy, but angry. Everything I ate tasted bad, and the mail brought frustrating news, but I've dealt with that. It was actually a productive day, but I think the turning point was the vanilla Starbuck Frappucino drink (in the glass bottles from the grocery store) that I drank this afternoon.

Caffeine affects me in different ways at different times. I used to drink a lot of soda, mainly Coke, and I've weaned myself. I generally drink water, unless I'm having a craving. Sometimes, caffeine makes me irritable, anxious, and can actually bring on an anxiety attack. However, sometimes, it perks me up just enough to feel good, happy, and positive. Today, it was the latter, which was a nice surprise. I feel energetic (although I'm sure that will be short-lived) and am sure I will get a few things accomplished this evening that have been on my mind.

I'm sure the most depressing of event of today was selling my car. I sold it for $350 because it needed quite a bit of work on it and the reg was expired, but most of that went to pay the reg on SO's car, so that the children have a ride to school, and he can get to work. That hurt! It was depressing because I still can't pay my phone bill that is 2 months+ past due or any of the other bills. I am looking forward to tax season to pay bills and get through. There are a lot of field trips and places I'd like to take the children over the next couple of months, so that will be nice too. Tax season is always a happy time around here.

A Bipolar Pregnancy

I know that being bipolar and pregnant are not ideal conditions, and yesterday I felt the worst of its effects. Up until now, I have experienced depression and slight agoraphobia, but last night, not only was I plagued with a killer migraine, but I had a terrible anxiety attack right before I went to bed. It was indescribable. I took a Unisom (for nausea) and that helped get me to sleep, but I hate this.

My SO thinks that I need to stop watching United States of Tara. Wish he knew how it felt. Although I know there are worse things than BPD, such as schizophrenia, DID, etc., that doesn't help. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, and it scares me. He thinks that a TV show can make me think I'm crazy. Sorry hun, but I've been 'crazy' for a long, long time...

I read this quote from Stephen Fry and it was so depressing:

It's rather splendid to think of all those great men and women who appear to have presented symptoms that allow us to describe them as bipolar. Whether it's Hemingway, Van Gogh... Robert Schumann has been mentioned... Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath... some of them with rather grim ends.
Stephen Fry

I don't want to meet their fate. Here is another quote that made me a bit envious:

I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer, in my mind I am free.
Stephen Hawking

He is so amazing! I miss the mania. I love my baby, I love my children, and today, I am committed to do something productive because the anxiety is over and I don't know how much time I will have before it comes back.

Tough day...

Today has been a challenge. Slept the morning away and have felt ill all day. Sometimes it is hard to tell if I'm actually ill or if it is psychosomatic. It doesn't matter, because it feels the same. I went to bed early last night, sprayed nice smelling linen spray on my body pillow, and really thought I would wake up in feeling refreshed. Well, I was wrong. I need to beat this. I'm tired of feeling like this.

Sometimes, I just can't understand why I can't do what I need to do. I have a plan, I know what I should do, yet my brain rebels. I still fight, but most of the time, in the end, I have to give in. I can't even explain it. I am constantly trying to find ways to trick my brain into behaving. I just want to be normal. I'm not lazy, but I'm sure that it would appear that way to someone who doesn't understand this disorder. I know I can win. I like a challenge...sometimes.

Today, it is just frustrating. I have absolutely no energy, no matter how hard I try. I would like to get at least something accomplished tonight; laundry, dishes, something. That is my goal for the night.