Sunday morning, babies and dreams...

So last night I had dreams about my grandmother, who is deceased, and was the most stable parental figure in my life. It was like glimpsing the future if she was still alive and my oldest two children were the age they are now. My younger kids, the ones I had after she died, were not in this dream. She was angry with us, and everything we did seemed to be wrong. Brought back many memories...

I am anxious about getting to the doctor and checking on the baby. I don't feel him/her move often, of course I'm only 16 weeks, but it is making my nervous. I want to see him/her, hear the heartbeat, and be assured everything is fine, because what if it's not?

I won't let my anxiety get the best of me today though. It is Sunday and there is nothing to do but hang out with the family and clip coupons. Today is a day of rest and I want to enjoy that.

A Bipolar Pregnancy

I know that being bipolar and pregnant are not ideal conditions, and yesterday I felt the worst of its effects. Up until now, I have experienced depression and slight agoraphobia, but last night, not only was I plagued with a killer migraine, but I had a terrible anxiety attack right before I went to bed. It was indescribable. I took a Unisom (for nausea) and that helped get me to sleep, but I hate this.

My SO thinks that I need to stop watching United States of Tara. Wish he knew how it felt. Although I know there are worse things than BPD, such as schizophrenia, DID, etc., that doesn't help. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, and it scares me. He thinks that a TV show can make me think I'm crazy. Sorry hun, but I've been 'crazy' for a long, long time...

I read this quote from Stephen Fry and it was so depressing:

It's rather splendid to think of all those great men and women who appear to have presented symptoms that allow us to describe them as bipolar. Whether it's Hemingway, Van Gogh... Robert Schumann has been mentioned... Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath... some of them with rather grim ends.
Stephen Fry

I don't want to meet their fate. Here is another quote that made me a bit envious:

I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer, in my mind I am free.
Stephen Hawking

He is so amazing! I miss the mania. I love my baby, I love my children, and today, I am committed to do something productive because the anxiety is over and I don't know how much time I will have before it comes back.