Starting the day...

I woke up this morning confronted by my issues: an unwanted pregnancy and relationship to match. I blame him for the guilt because I seem to be the one that gives in and then, when I have to deal with the consequences, I get angry.

Don't mistake what I am saying. I love this baby. I love my children, above all. I don't think I could survive without the motivation and love they provide. I love doing things for them and making them happy, and I know that this child won't be different. I will be just as close with him/her and I will love him/her just as much. However, this isn't easy for me. Being pregnant isn't easy for anyone, but not only do I have to deal with the sickness, but I have absolutely no control of my moods and the depression has been unbearable. Nearing the end of my first trimester though, I feel confident that the winds are changing. I am less nauseated, and my other physical problems (I won't get graphic, but it was pretty bad) are easing, and I feel the need to "do something."

Yesterday, it was a battle with the children to help me out. They love to make a mess, but they hate to clean. Go figure! When the house is dirty, it depresses me. I know, at least that, I have control over. If I can motivate myself to get the house clean (which is ridiculously aggravating with 4 kids), then I can feel a little bit better. Also, the more I move around, the better I feel. Unfortunately, some days, I can't even manage to make it out of my pajamas. Today, I will! Today, I will get of my ass, get dressed, and although I need to clean the house, I won't forget to play. I could play with the kids and color and do something that makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have them.

I am going to start a new blog today to chronicle the things I do with them, as well as the day to day life of our family, to serve as a motivational tool to keep me active.

I started taking vitamin B6 for nausea, along with the Unisom, and I'm not sure if that is helping my mood, but it could be. I have read that B vitamins can help BPD. Although, it just may be time for me to cycle again. Just like I can't predict the depression, I can't predict the mania. It is a welcome relief though.