Tuesday, February 21, 2012

So happy!

It was hard to get out of bed this morning, and once I got going, I was tired. Then, I had some iced coffee, and I am good to go. I am in a terrific mood, have so many things on my to do list, but not stressing whatsoever. I want to take on the world.

That's may favorite feeling about being bipolar. Sometimes the mania causes anxiety, like yesterday, but other times it just puts me in a terrific mood and I love life and want to take as many good things as I can get out of it, while giving people as much back as humanly possible.

I don't care if I cross off all my to dos today, because I feel I've accomplished enough already. Here are a few articles that I've finished lately:

Freecycle: The ultimate recycle tool
How to apply for a CitizenCard in the UK
Judgement of others
Pros and cons of shopping at warehouse clubs
Where to find savings coupons for almost anything
How to make rainbow cupcakes

Trying to stay busy!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Struggling with everything...

I am mid-anxiety attack right now, and it is hard to breathe. My heart feels like it is going to explode! My kids have the week off from school and I feel like everything is a battle. It hurts, both physically and mentally. All I want is a clean home! I ask everyone to pitch in and it is a constant battle until I break. I hate it. I shouldn't have to clean up after all of the inhabitants of my home, right?

They are very messy. Messier than they think, and I struggle everyday to clean up, just to wake up to a disaster the next morning. I'm really trying. They don't think they should have to clean unless someone is coming over. Really??

I came from a house, where if everything wasn't put back in its place by morning, my grandmother was livid! It was stressful to make sure that I didn't make a mess, or at least cleaned up everything before I went to bed. I didn't want my kids to have that kind of stress, but come on, they don't clean up anything! I wake up to wrappers and bottles all over, half empty cups, bowls, plates, you name it, everywhere!

I just want to cry! I can't handle having a messy home, one where I would be embarrassed to have anyone see! Clutter and mess depresses me and fighting with them about it causes anxiety. I feel nauseated and weak. This is not a feeling that I relish. Lack of organization is one of my triggers. I love things to be clean and organized. Sometimes I feel like that is unattainable...

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Lazy Saturday...

I'm taking it easy today. I didn't even wake up until after 11, which isn't normal. I have no idea why I'm so tired. Well, I have one idea. Sometimes I think when I take that sleeping pill when I'm already tired, it makes it harder to get up in the morning. I really wish I could stop taking them, but when I tried for two days, my nausea and indigestion comes back. This girl is a little high maintenance already.

So, I've started laundry, dishes are my next household chore to tackle, but I really feel like getting some writing and promoting done today. So, I made some passion tea lemonade, and am fighting off the urge to fall back asleep. Not sure if I will win, but I can try!

Today is all about enjoying those little people I made and not stressing...

Friday, February 17, 2012

Hello Friday!

There is so much on my mind and it is a bit difficult to organize my thoughts. I know this is part of mania, and it's making me a bit anxious. Maybe mama needs some meditation...

If you were to see the state of my kitchen, I would be mortified. It wasn't like that yesterday, but my children are free thinkers and do-ers and the only problem is that they don't clean up after themselves. This is my fault, because apparently I haven't trained them well enough. I walked in and couldn't believe the mess. I'm one of those, "I'd rather clean this up, rather than yell at you for hours to do it" kind of moms and yes, that is a fault as well. Why should I give myself and anxiety attack because they won't listen?? I'll tell you why...because that is the only way I can teach them to be responsible adults, and that is, after all, my job. I shall work on that...

I miss my son!! :) He's coming back soon, but it is driving me crazy. I'm sure a lot of my anxiousness is stemming from his safe return. I am so happy to have a whole week with all four of them!

So far, I have made 29 cents today on Helium, and you may laugh, but I was at 11 cents! lol I have been using Twitter (@lilfaerie if you want to join my in the conversation) and RedGage to promote my articles, and am looking for others. StumbleUpon was a bit of a disappointment, but I'm sure there is a trick I don't know about. I love writing...it keeps me sane. I'm also addicted to Pinterest (lilfaerie) and I will follow you if you follow me.

Hope everyone is having a great Friday!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I haven't napped yet??

So, I've been up since 5, and still not crashed. After my morning rant, I wrote two articles, picked up the kids, got groceries, and came home in the rain. It is raining so hard, and I can't help thinking about my son on the island and hope he's somewhere indoors not freezing his butt off!

Can atheists have soulmates?
Healthy snacks for preschoolers

I really want to say that I'm going to write some more and keep this momentum going, but I'm not sure if that is true. I've already promised my mother than I would go with her to the store, although I really don't need to go again, and after that, it's time to make dinner, and get the evening routine going. At least tomorrow will be a quiet day. I get to stay home with my little man, and I hope that I can keep up the productivity and it's not a repeat of yesterday...

Happy and sad...

Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day in bed, didn't do ANYTHING, not even a load of laundry. I watched House on the computer, didn't take a shower until 6pm, slept and stared at a computer screen. I was a mess. It makes me feel awful when I'm like that. I'm better than that. Like I've said before, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Today, I woke up at 5am, battled the cold, and forced myself to get up and take my oldest son to school at 6am, so that he could go on a field trip to Catalina Island. He'll be back on Friday. I came home, got the rest of the kids ready, took them to school, came home, washed dishes, clothes, and began writing. What is wrong with me? I can be better, I know that I can, so why is it so hard to be consistent?

I cried, I miss my son, even though he's normally be at school now anyway. It's just that I know he's far away, I worry about him getting seasick because he wouldn't take any Dramamine, I hope that he's not too insecure to go snorkeling in a bathing suit (he hates wearing one) and I know he's not going to be mine for much longer. He'll be 14 next month, and in 4 years that little baby that made me a mom will be off on his own. He'll go off to college, and I won't be able to see him everyday. I don't like this part of being a parent, because although I will be his mother for eternity, I know I will always need him more than he needs me.

Monday, February 13, 2012

I need a nap!

So, I've been feeling pretty good lately, and feeling the need to get things accomplished. This morning after I took the kids to school, I went to Murrieta and got my lab work done and picked up my paper work for my ultrasound, and scheduled that too. Washed some dishes, did some laundry, then the fatigue set in. Now I'm tired and just feel like a nap.

I made the Helium homepage today with this article, and was pretty excited:
How to make homemade powdered laundry detergent

I thought that I would write more today, and perhaps I will, but not right now...

Friday, February 10, 2012

Beautiful day!

Today was a wonderful day. My son had a field trip down in San Diego and I got to spend the day in my favorite city all day. Well, favorite so far, because I haven't been anywhere in England. So, I watched the ships, saw seals in the bay, and bought two roses from a guy in front of Anthony's Fish Grotto who made the most amazing creations out of palm fronds.

I really love San Diego. It's beautiful and the most wonderful city. The people are more laid back than LA and you see people all day who enjoy life...even the homeless ones.

I also went to the outdoor mall that is in the Gaslamp Quarter and played chess on a huge chess board. Of course I won!

A few other things didn't go so well, but I am not let that spoil my day or even think about it. Tomorrow is a busy day as well, because my little one was invited to a birthday party. I am really excited to see how tomorrow works out.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Gloomy morning...

Today, I had to get up early, because someone from the propane company is coming by to convert my dryer to propane, and getting up was no easy task. Crazy dreams, muscle and joint soreness, and a headache were some of my contenders to deal with, but I really want this to be a good day. I promised the little one that we would make homemade fingerpaint.

I took our mountains of laundry to the laundry mat last last and by the end of the ordeal my sciatic nerve was just a little bothered. Bought little one shoes, got some paint chips for a craft project for the girl, and paint for our bathroom. I can't wait to see her face when the bathroom is pink. She will be so happy!

So, when I came home and saw that the boys only did a half (expletive deleted) job in the house, I was a little unhappy, but it didn't stop me from staying up until after midnight cleaning the kitchen. It needed to be done.

So, this morning I have more cleaning to do, and I had this thought that made me a little sad. I believe in living each day to its fullest potential. We only get a certain number of days on this wonderful planet and it seems selfish to waste even one. However, most days I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle to hold on and I want each day to melt away until the next just until I can be happy again. It's not fair. Today, is one of those days where I'm determined to fight the bad feelings and pain and embrace the little things. It looks like rain outside, but inside it is nice and cozy, and I feel safe here. I want my kids to come home and be excited to join me and feel like this is our haven. That is my goal today...

Monday, February 6, 2012


I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Saturday I woke up and felt fantastic. Sunday, I had a headache and body aches and felt horrible. Today, I didn't manage to wake myself up until 10:30am. I felt like I'd been drugged. I fell asleep around 9:30pm last night, had extremely vivid dreams, and had a very hard time waking up. I was so tired, even when I managed to get up. Now, I feel ok, but still more tired than usual. I feel like writing...

I know I've had much more sugar than I should have this morning, and that is making me feel guilty. Right now, I'm enjoying the peace and quiet in the house and watching "Grimm." I need to clean my house, I wish I had more energy.

I got incentive payments for these articles, which made me happy.
How to make homemade finger paints
Best type of milk for toddlers
And then I was feeling somewhat philosophical:
Reflections: How do we know that we exist?

Yesterday, although I wasn't feeling so great, I went to the swap meet with SO and two of our boys. I bought a lemon tree, my first citrus tree or tree of any kind, and I can't wait to plant it. I want to grow things. The lemons are so beautiful.

I think that I need to make the kids' chores more defined. They don't help out nearly as much as they should, and I don't have the energy to do it all right now. I hate feeling like this, but I hate letting the house suffer even more.

Saturday, February 4, 2012


I love Saturdays, they are so full of promise. I don't have access to a vehicle today, so that is no good, but it is nice to sleep in with the kids and I have plenty to do around here. I look around my house and it is thrashed, but today, if full or promise, remember?

I started writing a reflection the other day when I was watching my daughter read, and I finished it up this morning while watching her sleep. I am so proud of her, of all my kids. She is an inspiration for many of the things that I do.

Reflections: Being a bipolar parent

I also wrote an article about milk for toddlers, but it hasn't transitioned to Helium yet, because it could possibly get that $1.00 incentive payment. I know it isn't much, but it makes me happy to write, and I am hoping that one day I generate enough traffic to make a side income. I want to provide things for my kids that I can't now. I have so many responsibilities that I know if I tried to get an outside job, I couldn't provide for them what I do now. I've learned my limits, and now with a baby on the way, those limits are bound to be pushes again. So, for now, I write...

Today is a good day, I can feel it. I hope that everyone is having a fantastic day!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Feeling better...

Yesterday was pretty fantastic, other than my son hit me with a shopping cart and my foot bled all over the floor, then at night, my daughter left a thumbtack on the floor, which I stepped on, and that was a bloody mess as well. But, other than that, it was great.

I had a ultrasound and learned that my little was was not only active and healthy, but a girl!! I am thrilled. I feel so old and in so much pain, but at least I know my last child will be a little girl, and I haven't had one of those in a very long time. Had fun showing the kids the pictures and videos.

I also picked up a beautiful laptop at a pawn shop for less than $200!! I was excited and passed my netbook on to my daughter. Had fun with tax money, buying them clothes and things we have needed for a long time! It was a good feeling. Today, the little one gets a haircut and shoes, which he so desperately needs. Sometimes, I am envious of people that can go out and do these types of things when they need to, but today I am just happen that once a year we can play catch up.

I also got incentive payments for the two articles that I wrote on Helium. It was $1.00 a piece, but I was excited mine were chosen. They are here:
Ways to make the most out of gift cards
Worst money advice ever

So, today I have so much more to do, well at least until I am in too much pain to do anymore!