Slow start...

All though this morning started out very sloooowwly, I am hoping for a productive day. I am a little tired, but it's quiet. Most of the kids are with their father, and Dom is asleep, so it's nice. Working on leapfrogging some articles and writing blog posts. Then, I will do a little promoting and clean up. Not necessarily in that order. I know that exercise will help my overall disposition, but I'm not there yet. I may go for a walk later on, but I'm just not feeling it yet.

I am a mess...

Yes, even on the good days, when I am productive, I am still a mess. One big chaotic, nickel and dime myself to death mess. I know that there has to be an answer out there. I know that I have to have something that I'm working towards, right? Isn't there a light at the end of every tunnel? I feel like I'm fumbling in the darkness. I think I see a light, but then it's gone.

Getting through the day...

Today I ran around town with the kids and signed them up for summer reading programs, took them to a thrift store, and we also ran multiple errands. This was very tiring and one child in particular tried my patience more than once. I know they can't possibly understand how I feel and how much I need for them to stop arguing with me. It is frustrating because I know that my middle son's problems clash with my own and we both frustrate each other. I think I need to take him to the doctor to get properly diagnosed and hopefully there is something we can figure out. He is one of the loves of my life, and I want to do right by him. He's a great kid...just too much friction. Well, now I get to go cuddle with the kiddos before bed. All in all, a good day. :)

Keep on going...

It is so hard, but I just keep on going. I know most people haven't the faintest what I mean, but it is frustrating not being able to control what I need to do and when I need to do it. My brain tends to tell me it is time to work at all the inappropriate times, while when it is time to work, it refuses to. Chaos is my norm now, and I am not sure how to get into a routine. I feel like I desperately need one. I'll think about that more tomorrow, but now, while I should be working because I'm kid free, it is late and I am exhausted. See ya tomorrow!

Stop "helping"

I love how everyone thinks they know something that will "fix" me. That they know something that my doctors and I don't. They tell me that they work with someone that has a gluten allergy and lost 20 lbs and feels great. Well, listen, I don't have a gluten allergy, I did lost 20 lbs, and now you're just making be feel shitty about it...thanks. I am bipolar. How do I know? Because every anti-depressant that I have ever been given either doesn't work or makes me horrible suicidal. So, thanks for your concern, but you can stop trying to diagnose me. Leave me alone, let me figure my own shit out and go deal with your own problems. I am sure you have plenty of your own.

New Day

Really upset about the game this morning. Didn't even want to watch the second half. US came back to draw, but were robbed of a goal in last few minutes. Ref needs to go. Feeling good though. Lots to do today. Having fun with the kids to take my mind off of football. Took my vitamin and hoping for a good day! :)

Surreal...

Today had its good points and bad. I took the kids to the free movies at Regal Cinema and that way very fun. But, after that, I realized that I didn't have much money left and had to use whatever I had left to buy $7 of gas of the $13 I used (ex was NOT happy) and then I needed to take a couple of Xanax to calm down, but just knocked me out. I was borderline hysterical and I don't like that there really isn't an in between state. Either I stay hysterical or catatonic; not fun. I feel better now and am hoping that tomorrow is better. I know that part of the problem is the hormonal state I am in, along with the very little food that I've had today and the anemia. Like I said, tomorrow...right?

Later that day...

I tried to take a nap, but that didn't work out too well. I hate that one moment I feel on top of the world and the next moment I feel helplessly lost in a world there is no escape from. I can't seem to figure out how to make it out of the predicament that I am in. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come up with the strength to get it together and get out of this place. I feel lost...

And so it begins...

Today began fantastic. I was up, made homemade playdough with the kids. Ate breakfast and a little lunch, and have been very productive writing wise. However, it took me about 5 trips to the bathroom before I remembered to take my vitamin and I am starting to decline rapidly. It is nearly 1pm and I am tired, aggravated, and my memory is off. I think that I might watch an episode or two of a tv program online. I wanted to watch the Germany v Australia game today, but I can't be bothered. The horns are irritating enough and Australia is just getting humiliated anyway. I don't like this part; the coming down from feeling so good.

Another Good Day...

So last week was not ideal, but the kids are out of school and today was a good day. England and USA tied, so I didn't have have to see anyone defeated, I was able to get all of my laundry finished, and although I'm nearly completely broke, I'm ok.

I took my vitamin this morning, and I really think it does have an impact on my feelings. Not a huge difference, but today was definitely bearable. I find that the more active I am, the better I feel, although getting to that point is difficult. There are barriers that I am constantly having to fight against to get to the other side and it is exhausting.

Reflections: Bipolar disorder

A Wonderful Beginning...

Today is a great day. You know the ones I mean. You feel like you can do anything, conquer anything. I love these days, although I can't possibly explain why or when they will happen, no more than I can explain the bad days. Unfortunately, I have had a series of bad days. Stress, anxiety, personal and financial issues have no doubt contributed to my feelings of despair, amplifying the mania. Those are the days where I hurt all over, just want to sleep the day away, and the simplest tasks seem like the most impossible things. But, not today. Today, I have the whole day at my disposal, and I'm going to make the most of it.

I woke up this morning and made breakfast for the kids, had already made lunches, put out outfits for them as well. I felt good last night and tried to accomplish as much as possible. I feel even better this morning. I know, it is a vicious cycle that I should be used to. I drank water this morning, took my Vitamin B complex, and even went outside for a few minutes to soak up a little of that Vitamin D. I've washed dishes, done laundry (both by hand), and accomplish a few things off of my to-do list, and it isn't even 10:30am. Today, I'm proud of myself, tomorrow, who knows.

So, today, I'm at home, getting things done, writing, and rockin' out to Lady Gaga. Tomorrow is my daughter's 10th birthday, so I have things to make for that as well. I am very excited. :)