Money is supposed to make me happy...

Well, we learned today that the tax refund is on its way and will post tomorrow night. I should be elated. I am really trying. I think the problem is that I am stuck at home with broken appliances, but tonight will be fun. We bought some gift cards to spend while we wait and are going out to dinner with the kids. My job is to sort coupons and clean the house, but I'm not in the mood. I will try to motivate myself, however, and get some things done. I'm sure once I take a shower and bask in the sunshine, I will feel better and that mania will kick in.

I'm busy writing today. I wrote an article yesterday that will transition to Helium once that an article is purchased, and I have two more assignments to write. I am over half way done with one of them, then just one more to go. Then I think it's time for some creative writing. Happy Monday!

Sunday morning, babies and dreams...

So last night I had dreams about my grandmother, who is deceased, and was the most stable parental figure in my life. It was like glimpsing the future if she was still alive and my oldest two children were the age they are now. My younger kids, the ones I had after she died, were not in this dream. She was angry with us, and everything we did seemed to be wrong. Brought back many memories...

I am anxious about getting to the doctor and checking on the baby. I don't feel him/her move often, of course I'm only 16 weeks, but it is making my nervous. I want to see him/her, hear the heartbeat, and be assured everything is fine, because what if it's not?

I won't let my anxiety get the best of me today though. It is Sunday and there is nothing to do but hang out with the family and clip coupons. Today is a day of rest and I want to enjoy that.

It will get better...

This morning I woke up and needed to get things done. I started laundry, dishes, went grocery shopping, but the sciatic pain was too much, so I ended up watching movies with the kids all day and scavenging the internet for homemade recipes. I think it would be nice to put a little more effort into making things like household cleaners at home. There was a time when the kids and I made lots of stuff, but it all falls apart when I start feeling bad.

I'm so tired, and I don't know why. Well, that should not be a mystery, I'm pregnant, but I feel really worn out. I think the pain makes me even more tired than usual. Tomorrow I am setting absolutely no expectations of myself. I will rest and pick up again on Monday. I think I deserve it.

Frantically...

I've been frantically writing today. I'm not sure if it is the caffeine or the mania, but probably a little combination of both. I am a little stressed because I have so much to do today, but I was able to finish four articles that I started and I want to keep going. Probably is, I have a life. Off to go pick up the kids and get my little miss ready for her dance.
The short story is my favorite!
Is it appropriate for gay couples to adopt children?
Short stories: Death of a sibling
Contemplating the purpose of life
Reflections: What would you do with a million pounds?

Patience...

So, today, I'm a little bit calmer, although there was another series of fights to get into this morning, and I'm sitting at Starbucks enjoying the ambiance. I've had time to think and I'm going to try and explain why I get so frustrated and "negative." Here is an example:

Before payday, I try to get everything in order. I clean the fridge for food shopping, I make a list of things I need, I use a spreadsheet and fill out a detailed budget, and sort my coupons, things like that. Then, payday comes, and there is an enormous amount of information that floods my brain. It is overwhelming and I can't focus on a single objective. They all try to make their way to the front of the line and battle for my attention. Then comes the rush of emotions, anxiety attacks, and I screw everything up. This often leads to sadness because I'm broke and I haven't accomplished what I set out to do.

This is just an example. I don't mean for it to happen, and several different situations end the same way. I try to plan, I try to rationalize everything, but my brain gets overloaded and I lose focus. I panic. I try and try to do better next time, and sometimes it works, most of the time, it doesn't. I think eventually I will figure out how to deal with these situations a little better. In fact, I'm surprised that it is Friday and I have any money left at all. That is a rarity. I even was able to buy my daughter some shoes, earrings, and a clutch for her dance tonight and I can get her nail done too (Hooray for $10 manicures!). I still have bills that are unpaid and desperately waiting the tax money, but I think I need to step back and take a breath. The care isn't fixed, but we have a loaner car, and I am confident everything will be just fine.

Positivity isn't as easy as it should be...

I just received a comment on my personal FB page that it would be nice if I posted something positive. Well, every time I feel something positive, something negative has to come and take that feeling away. I can tell myself to stay positive all that I want, but I can't will myself to be happy.

I'm honestly trying to think of one positive thing. Oh, I got a sample of Dove shampoo in the mail today. Is that good? I have no idea why people have expectations of me. I can't help it if I'm not happy right now.

I'm stressed! I am worried about my baby, I have no car, no phone. I'm stuck in the house all day cleaning...at least I have internet. That is my positive thing to be thankful for. Although the bill is nearly a month past due and I don't know how long that will last. I count my blessings. I'm lucky to have 4 healthy kids, to have running water and electricity (which reminds me I need to pay that today so it doesn't get shut off). I am thankful for my blog and my fan page. I know that things should be getting better soon, but it's still stressful. I need insurance, I haven't seen a doctor, I can't pay my rent until the IRS figures out this refund problem. I'm sad, and I can't help that. I'm frustrated. I keep trying, and I feel like I'm walking backwards. My washer barely works, it leaves this lint on our clothes that I can't get off (tried a lint roller), the dryer doesn't work, and I feel guilty that I am sending my kids to school in clothes that look dirty. I know it shouldn't be a big deal. That's silly to complain about, but everything makes me cry. I just want to sleep through the negativity...

Debt

One of the questions that I was asked when a doctor was evaluating me for bipolar disorder was if I found it hard to deal with money and a light bulb went off in my head. I realized that I could forgive myself because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stick to a budget or shop without anxiety, which led to overspending.

Since then, I have gotten a little better, but I have a long way to go. I successfully have one credit card, with a $150 limit, that I pay off each month. If I'm unable to go shopping because it causes anxiety, I make a list and send someone else. However, according to my credit report, I am $10,453 in debt. I have other bills that I need to catch up on, but I have a plan. My goal for the year is to pay off all of this debt. I have a ridiculously low credit score because all of my credit report info, aside from the one credit card, is bad. My goal is to raise my credit score 100 points by the end of the year.

I am going to print out my credit report and begin today. I'm terrified to see what it says! However, I am committed to change this one aspect of my life. I want to have control over this and will update as I progress.

Distractions and Depression...

The last two days have been tumultuous to say that least. I am fighting that horrible depression monster from coming back...it's not time yet, I should be happy. Over the course of the past few days I have argued with the children for being disrespectful and rude, the van broke down on the way to school yesterday (still not fixed or even diagnosed), in the rain no less. We were expecting tax return money tomorrow, but the bank doesn't show the pending deposit so I'm a little stressed out. To top it off, I had a very long conversation with the SO last night about my condition, which apparently I'm supposed to able to will myself out of.

That was the worst. I am not the best verbal communicator. Sometimes, I'm on top of my game, but most of the time, I have to resort to written word to get my point across. I tried explaining this to SO last night. He likes to twist my words in order to win an argument, even though his point is not nearly as rational as mine. I don't see the point of winning an argument if I'm wrong, apparently he does.

So, last night, we were arguing and he told me that he doesn't understand my disorder and doesn't understand how I can't just make up my mind to change. I told him that I was born with this, he's seen me on meds, and he even laughed when I told him yes, suicide can be a side effect of some of the meds I've taken and that is why they made my problem worse, not better. I told him I didn't understand his battle with addiction, which he claims to have overcome on his own without intervention, but that didn't mean it wasn't a real issue. I have never been addicted to anything, yet I am compassionate to those that are affected by addiction, because I know it must be in their genes. If it wasn't, I would be just as likely to develop an addiction, but my anxiety won't allow that.
I have irrational fears, one of them is addiction. I've seen it in so many people, that I am very careful about drinking and taking meds. In fact, the only illegal drug I've ever used was marijuana and we all know that isn't addictive. I was overdosed accidentally in a hospital on Dilaudid (basically synthetic heroin) and spend nearly 3 days suffering from withdrawal symptoms, but was absolutely refused to take Vicodin (because it is opiate based) until those symptoms were gone, because I was terrified of developing an addiction. In some aspects, I am extremely strong-willed. However, he doesn't get that. With all of my will power, I can't fix my bipolar disorder. I can manage and cope, but even I don't know how this story will end.
It really hurts, and I feel so offended when people downplay this problem. It isn't an excuse, it is a reason. Why do I seclude myself, sometimes months at a time? It is because I don't like people? No, it's because I don't want them to see me in misery...I don't want them to see me weak. It's painful enough dealing with my shortcomings that I don't want to drag anyone else into it. I know it is probably very hard for my children to see, and I wish I could change that, but I think that it will make them more compassionate and understanding human beings. Even mommies aren't perfect. No one is, and it is no use trying.
I know he'll never understand my struggle. He thinks that I just want to be the center of attention and that my problems outrank his. It's just like the kidney stones, which I frequently get (which explains the Dilaudid). He thinks I WANT to go to the hospital. He doesn't understand the excruciating pain of passing a 5, 6, or even 7mm stone. Once, there were two 6mm stones stuck together. He thinks I have a low pain tolerance because SOMETIMES I need to go to the hospital. It's not even with every stone. It hurts my feelings, because come one, I have birthed 4 children, I know pain, and believe me, some of those kidney stones were nearly as painful as birthing a child. Of course, this is the same man who complained he had to sit in a chair all night while I got the bed when I was in labor with our son. I think he needs more compassion from me than I am able to give. Maybe I'm just too much a bitch, but I struggle every day of my life. I'm tired, I'm miserable, and I'm really sick of having to justify myself.

Laundry and Rockin' the Casbah...

Today, my son has his friend over and I went to town with my mother and daughter. I started out in a morose mood, but it got better as the morning went on. I discovered World Market, which we completely fell in love with. I only spent a few dollars, but bought some great smelling soap and some tissues that said, "Keep Calm and Carry On" which is my favorite slogan.

When we came back, I realized that something needed to be done about the laundry. I didn't have the means to clean it all or dry it, so despite this horrendous pain in my hip, I took my middle son to the laundry mat to get it caught up. Having clean laundry and dishes I know will improve my mood. I feel happiness brewing...

I'm actually still at the laundry mat drying clothes and finding the peace and quiet serene. It's nice only having one child with me to help rather than to get in the way and irritate me. I needed this quiet. I am looking forward to going home and relaxing for the rest of the night. Tomorrow, I'm selling my old from my car I had to sell and buying a puppy for my oldest son. I haven't told him yet, but I know he'll be excited. He's been asking for a German Shepherd. Well, now I'm off to see if I can some writing done.

Rain, Rain...

It's raining this morning, which is very nice, but I have to go out in it, and I left clothes out on the line yesterday (waiting for my dryer to get fized). Since I've been feeling slightly less than happy, I decided to write this: Reflections: Being a good person Last I checked, it was ranked #1, but that can change quickly.

There are so many things on my mind it's a little hard to organize them properly. I feel a purge coming on. It always makes me feel more clear-headed when I get rid of things. I hate clutter. I don't have knickknacks or art on my walls (although I did promise the girl that she could create all my wall art). I don't own many things. I hate not having a place for everything, but that is the way it is right now. There are things, without homes, and it bothers me. My bedroom is a mess, and that is supposed to be my haven.

Things are getting cleaner around the house though. My son has a friend coming over so he chipped in cleaning too, which is wonderful! My daughter is being awful to me, and I don't have the strength to fight with her. She says the most horrible things to me and I wonder where all that anger comes from. I know I don't deserve it, because I treat her better than anyone ever treated me. I thought she would be excited when I picked her up yesterday, I brought her phone after I paid the bill, brought her a new pencil set she got in the mail, and she was still grumpy and angry. I'll blame it on puberty for now...

I think I need to bake something...that will make me feel better.

Berries and bubbly and babies...

Today was busy and not the fun kind. I had a little trouble at the first bank I went today, but it was worked out by the time I hit the second bank. Then, I paid bills until I was broke again. Story of my life. Had so many stops and multi-tasking (paying kids' cell bill while I was waiting to pick up the girl) and stressing that I wouldn't get everything done on time. Everything worked out, and by the time I got home I was ready to relax with my new Scentsy scents. Aromatherapy is my favorite way to de-stress, however that was short-lived.

Once we all went out to dinner and shopping, the chaos ensued. The SO is too high strung and I'm tired of getting yelled at and belittled. Apparently a $20 of Jager is just as important as cleaning supplies and food. I'm frivolous in spending $3 on sponges, I know!

...

Sorry, I had to fight again about the bottle of Jager. It's ridiculous! I am emotionally spent. I can't even avoid my triggers because they follow me like the plague.

Tomorrow my son's friend comes over and spends the night. At least I will get some peace and quiet when SO is at work. I need a break.

The one wonderful thing that happened today was when I laying on the bed typing. I can still lay on the bed on my stomach. I could feel little rumblings and it made me feel better. I wish that I could just grab my kids and go away for awhile. I'm tired of fighting, of the tightness in my chest, and the anxiety/depression. I used to think that it was the hormone changes with being pregnant...now I'm not so sure. Pretty sure my problem is environmental. I miss my happy home.

Happiness and sadness...

Today, I am rather sad, but I'm not exactly sure why. I want to lie back down and sleep the day away, but I am forcing myself not to. I feel like there is something wrong, like I need to change something in my life and that circumstances are bringing me down.

I'm tired of being told what to do. That was what I loved about being single. I wish I could be single again, but not entirely. I was happier single, but then there's the baby, but I need help. I just want to be want to make my own decisions without criticism and snide remarks. I'm not submissive...at all. I'm a grown women and I have the right to make my own decisions, even if I end up being wrong, right?

I was thinking about things on the drive home this morning. I used to think what I felt between the depression and the mania was 'normal' but even in those times, like now, it's a challenge. The only time I ever felt normal was the first week I was on Depakote. I remember it wasn't exactly mania, but I felt clear headed, I didn't feel like everyday was a struggle. I could rationalize without the anxiety and I could get out of bed in the morning without feeling like living was an uphill battle. Too bad the next week was followed by suicidal depression and homicidal rage. I miss that 'normal' feeling.

It's quiet and I could be doing plenty of things, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. If I sit down and relax, I feel like the feeling might get worse. But if I push myself the same could happen. Don't like this feeling at all...

New day!

Well, surprise, surprise, when someone went off to work today, my day and mood improved. I feel lots of energy and positivity for getting things accomplished today, although I know my steam will run out before I'm finished. However, I will take today 15 minutes at a time (thank you FlyLady ).

Apparently, my services are needed as Luigi in Super Mario Bros 3 with my 4 year old, but what's more important, housework or spending quality time with the little one? I try to ensure that I always have time for the kids no matter what they need me to do, no matter how trivial. Plus, he's a little bossy.

I already feel myself getting distracted because the amount of information in my head is overwhelming. There are so many things I need to do and it is hard to stay calm. I often liken this feeling to having about 100 different browser tabs open and having difficultly keeping track of all of them. However, today is about babysteps and 15 min at a time.

I miss my mania...

Today, I felt so much better, and I keep feeling these small bursts of mania that disappear quickly. Unfortunately, I really think that it may be the people in my life that bring me right back down (ok, person). It is a horrible feeling when someone toxic to your well being is in your life, someone so completely un-supportive, that you have to live with. I do yearn for the day that I can be completely self-sufficient, but I keep running into these obstacles. Toxic people=no mania.

I wish that I could just grab the kids and get away for a little while. However, with no car and no money, that is a bit of an improbability. I don't feel competent to have a full-time job, although again, no car and very pregnant and emotional, and my writing doesn't bring in too much (about 15 cents a day). I need to look at ways to promote my writing (StumbleUpon, Digg, etc.) and spend more time on it. I know that it is possible to make more money, but I feel very discouraged. I suppose I will try harder tomorrow, but tomorrow is so depressing too. I don't know how the kids are going to get to school and that is depressing. At least there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I seem to have more problems than solutions at the moment.

Infections and bad dreams...

Last night was awful. I had a fever and my back was killing me. I knew it was a kidney infection and debated on whether or not to go to the ER last night, but I had the chills so bad that I just wanted to sleep.

I have issues with my kidneys, particularly the right one. There is always at least one stone in it, and every so often I get an infection, which is unpleasant, but treatable with antibiotics. My first one, when I was pregnant and 19, nearly killed us both because I mistook it for the flu. I was hospitalized for a week, and that is it's own story.

So, I went to bed at 8pm and was plagued with the worst dreams that a pregnant women could have. I had twins at a nearby hospital that had complications and the babies had to stay in the hospital. Well, I went to check on them, and they told me that the babies had died, but wouldn't let me see them. It felt like the dream went on forever. I talked from one person to the next, begging them all to let me see my children, but no one understood the purpose that would serve considering they were already dead. The things that go on in my brain can be so disturbing.

So, I wake up, and since I'm nearly 15 weeks pregnant, it is still a little early to feel the baby move. I wish I could feel him or her or at least hear his or her heartbeat. I know that everything is probably fine, but my anxiety gets to me. I have the most irrational fears sometimes.

Anxiety...

I hate anxiety. I hate feeling like I want to do a million things at one time, but then a failure when I can't. I have a friend who used to remind me that it is all about baby steps. No matter what my goal is, I know that I have to break it up into smaller goals.

Today, it's all about preparing. I need to clean the house (with 4 1/2 children, that is a bit of a challenge), so I do one thing at a time, generally 15 minutes in each room, then back to the computer to deal with other things, like writing and making shopping lists. I find myself easily distracted though...

I watched a video today about viewing bipolar disorder as an advantage, rather than a disability, so I'm trying to see how I can use my anxiety as a benefit. I completely understand what he said about having too much information flood my brain. That's exactly how it feels right now. I think I'm going to take a break and try to feel good about what I have done today, and not obsesses about the things I haven't gotten to. :)

Accomplishments without praise...

So, I thought that I could accomplish more today, but I feel like I'm always disappointed with myself no matter how much I do. Three loads of laundry, two loads of dishes (hand washed), filed taxes for SO (mine were filed last night), took daughter to dentist (no cavities), even wrote an article (Should mentally ill people be allowed to vote). I just think that I can never live up to my own expectations...how sad is that?

Tonight I will prepare as much as I can for the kids for school tomorrow, because mornings aren't my strong suit. I hope that I can keep up the momentum tomorrow when the house is empty, because I really want it all done. I'm going to bargain with myself (dishes for an episode of Grey's Anatomy, things like that) and hopefully I can get through the day. I am exhausted right now, at 6:20pm, and really wish I could go to bed, but there is still so much to do. Sometimes I feel like I'll never feel normal, but I'm sure that the pregnancy is making me feel worse. I want to see past this and get to a point where I can be happy again.

Waste of a weekend...

Yesterday, the internet was out, so I used that as my excuse not to do anything, which was completely unproductive. Then, today I let that energy carry on into the day. I did...nothing, which I am not proud of because I had a few things that I wanted to do today. I even have a weekly ritual of going out and getting the Sunday paper that I completely avoided. I didn't want to take a shower, get up, or do anything. I watched a lot of TV with the fam, but it just made me feel even worse about myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm addicted to making myself feel bad.

Somehow I need to find my motivation. There are things I have to do tomorrow like take my daughter to the dentist. I know that I won't want to do it, who does, but I know that I will do it. I always do things that I have to get done. My children's welfare if a top priority, which is great, but I wish I didn't view everything this way.

I feel like there is a mental block that prevents me from being happy. I care about my children's health and happiness, but I have some subconscious reasoning for preventing my own happiness.

Mania....

I'm sure this will be a short post, because I need to get out of here.

I have conflicting feelings about mania. I love the energy, I love the motivation, but sometimes, it's too much...like now. I wanted to clean the house and get about a millions things accomplished today, but the anxiety has taken over and I need to get out of the house. I started dishes, laundry, work, etc. but now it is nearly 1pm and my heart is beating about a million miles and hour and I think I should probably go to town earlier, rather than later. I know that I can try and watch some TV, read a book, etc. but only two things can happen there: 1. I'll still be too jittery to stay in one spot 2. I will completely hit bottom and not be able to get my motivation back. I don't want to get depressed again.

So, I'm going to go out, minimal shopping (that too causes anxiety), and just take in the great weather and appreciate the things that I have accomplished today. I am proud of myself for the things that I have done, and will not punish myself for the things I did not finish. Tonight I will post again and see what I am.

Please stop acting like I'm ok...

I think the most frustrating part of bipolar disorder is that unless you have it, you really can't understand what it's like. I'm sick of people saying to look on the bright side (no offense Monty Python)and to "count your blessings." My brain doesn't work in the same way, so it's impossible for me to put things into perspective in the same way. It is a mental illness that I cannot escape...ever. Many people end up committing suicide as a result of it.

There are things that I am thankful for...every day. My children, my physical health, my house, etc., but there is a time where I cannot focus on any of that. I am a slave to my thoughts and I cannot control my emotional or mental state.

However, it isn't bad all the time. I am lucky that I am not institutionalized. I am fortunate to have coping mechanisms, but they are things I have to work through alone. It is painful. I have taken enough medication to know that it is not right for me, and that rather than improve my symptoms, it makes them worse. I can't afford to play Russian Roulette with my brain...

Today is good! I am thankful for that, and when I feel good, I love to be treated like a normal person. It isn't sympathy, as much as not acknowledging there is a problem when there is. When I am depressed, I get ignored. I hate that.

I also hate when people tell me that bipolar disorder is over-diagnosed. What is that even suppose to mean to me? I know my problems aren't dietary or exclusively (although it does affect my mood) environmental. I know that I experience mania, anxiety, and depression, and that my brain can't focus when I want it too. I know that anti-depressants and anti-seizure medications cause me to be not only suicidal, but borderline homicidal as well, and that isn't normal. I know that I am bipolar and it really doesn't comfort me when someone tells me that it is over-diagnosed; in fact, it is irritating. I don't like to use it as an excuse, but at least I know the problem. I know there is a name for it. I know that when my plans fall apart and I can't manage to finish what I've set out to do, I'm not lazy, and I can forgive myself, because I can't control it. More than anything, I want to be this strong, independent, self-sufficient person, that can take on anything; that is my dream. I know I can't have it, in its entirety, but it's a good dream...

Caffeine: My friend or my nemesis?

Today when I woke up, I felt nearly normal. As close to normal as I think I can be under the current circumstances. I felt ok, until someone put me in a sour mood. I don't think it was completely his fault, but I had a very rough day and felt not just grumpy, but angry. Everything I ate tasted bad, and the mail brought frustrating news, but I've dealt with that. It was actually a productive day, but I think the turning point was the vanilla Starbuck Frappucino drink (in the glass bottles from the grocery store) that I drank this afternoon.

Caffeine affects me in different ways at different times. I used to drink a lot of soda, mainly Coke, and I've weaned myself. I generally drink water, unless I'm having a craving. Sometimes, caffeine makes me irritable, anxious, and can actually bring on an anxiety attack. However, sometimes, it perks me up just enough to feel good, happy, and positive. Today, it was the latter, which was a nice surprise. I feel energetic (although I'm sure that will be short-lived) and am sure I will get a few things accomplished this evening that have been on my mind.

I'm sure the most depressing of event of today was selling my car. I sold it for $350 because it needed quite a bit of work on it and the reg was expired, but most of that went to pay the reg on SO's car, so that the children have a ride to school, and he can get to work. That hurt! It was depressing because I still can't pay my phone bill that is 2 months+ past due or any of the other bills. I am looking forward to tax season to pay bills and get through. There are a lot of field trips and places I'd like to take the children over the next couple of months, so that will be nice too. Tax season is always a happy time around here.

Interesting day...

So, in an attempt to make the most of my day, I stayed out...all day. This made me...crabby! Very impatient and grumpy. To be fair, the day began with taking the little one and SO to breakfast (yes I paid) and the little guy had an accident that ruined his pants and undies. So, he was smuggled out of the restaurant in daddy's sweatshirt, where we headed to the nearest store to get him some replacements.

Then, I spent over an hour to find my my car will never run under my watch. I certainly don't have enough money to put into it. Very depressing...

The highlight was picking up a few things for the kids' school projects, because I love to see their motivation at work. I envy it, because by the time middle school rolled around, as well as puberty, my bipolar nature came with it, and I couldn't focus on school projects if my life depended on it. Tests...fine, fast, no problem, but anything that required complete concentration and multiple days worth of work..forget. Maybe that is why I've never written a book. Short stories, definitely...but never a book.

A Bipolar Pregnancy

I know that being bipolar and pregnant are not ideal conditions, and yesterday I felt the worst of its effects. Up until now, I have experienced depression and slight agoraphobia, but last night, not only was I plagued with a killer migraine, but I had a terrible anxiety attack right before I went to bed. It was indescribable. I took a Unisom (for nausea) and that helped get me to sleep, but I hate this.

My SO thinks that I need to stop watching United States of Tara. Wish he knew how it felt. Although I know there are worse things than BPD, such as schizophrenia, DID, etc., that doesn't help. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, and it scares me. He thinks that a TV show can make me think I'm crazy. Sorry hun, but I've been 'crazy' for a long, long time...

I read this quote from Stephen Fry and it was so depressing:

It's rather splendid to think of all those great men and women who appear to have presented symptoms that allow us to describe them as bipolar. Whether it's Hemingway, Van Gogh... Robert Schumann has been mentioned... Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath... some of them with rather grim ends.
Stephen Fry

I don't want to meet their fate. Here is another quote that made me a bit envious:

I cannot move and I have to speak through a computer, in my mind I am free.
Stephen Hawking

He is so amazing! I miss the mania. I love my baby, I love my children, and today, I am committed to do something productive because the anxiety is over and I don't know how much time I will have before it comes back.

Here it comes again!

Today is that, "I don't care what you say to me to try and bring me down, I'm happy today" kind of day. And believe me, a certain someone has tried. I wouldn't call this full blown mania, but I'm definitely in a better mood. I'm afraid that at any moment it will disappear. I wish there was a magic way that I could keep it forever...

Too late. It's already passed. I with I knew what I could do to get it back.

Day by Day...

Today begun the same. I had a really hard time getting out of bed. I really didn't want to sleep the morning away. So, eventually, I got of, made it out the door and little by little, I got better. I know that sometimes, it is as simple as getting out of the house, and living.

When I accomplish something, it makes me feel better. And today, I remembered the most important thing: that doing something for someone else, no matter how small, will make me feel better too. Sometimes I need to be alone, sometimes I need to be with people, and sometimes, I don't know what I need.

I finished another article. This one was about saving money online, which is my new obsession. I love getting mail. Who doesn't? I also love getting money, and there are several blogs I subscribe to that I get some killer deals on. It makes me feel better because I really don't have very much money for much at the moment, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with my constant depression. Where's the mania? I miss the mania!!

Anyway, some of these deals are fantastic. Such as I bought my daughter a hoodie and long sleeved shirt from soffe.com for less than $5 with free shipping. I never get to buy my kids new clothes, so this was a treat. Today, I saw hoodies on the Hollister website for $14.99 including shipping. Wish I have more money, lol.

How online shopping can save you money

Need to vent...

I am so angry right now, but I'm not sure it is even a good reason.

I have always had a tiny family. I suppose that may be a subconscious reason I am currently pregnant with my fifth child. I have a mother, a father, one uncle, and two brothers (one of which is on the opposite coast with my sis-in-law and two adorable nephews). I was browsing Facebook and saw that my uncle was on there and we had three mutual friends: my brother, sis-in-law, and a friend of my brothers. I suppose I am irritated that I live in the same town as my uncle, but he never tries to speak to me. Once, we were in a store, and I had to make the first move to talk to him. Other than that, we haven't spoken in 10 years.

Should I be the bigger person? I feel insulted. I know that my brother is everyone's favorite. That doesn't bother me. He does everything right, and I am very proud of him. My brother and his family are fantastic and I miss them very much. However, sometimes I feel like I don't exist. I'm the black sheep. Maybe I should true harder not to be...

Tough day...

Today has been a challenge. Slept the morning away and have felt ill all day. Sometimes it is hard to tell if I'm actually ill or if it is psychosomatic. It doesn't matter, because it feels the same. I went to bed early last night, sprayed nice smelling linen spray on my body pillow, and really thought I would wake up in feeling refreshed. Well, I was wrong. I need to beat this. I'm tired of feeling like this.

Sometimes, I just can't understand why I can't do what I need to do. I have a plan, I know what I should do, yet my brain rebels. I still fight, but most of the time, in the end, I have to give in. I can't even explain it. I am constantly trying to find ways to trick my brain into behaving. I just want to be normal. I'm not lazy, but I'm sure that it would appear that way to someone who doesn't understand this disorder. I know I can win. I like a challenge...sometimes.

Today, it is just frustrating. I have absolutely no energy, no matter how hard I try. I would like to get at least something accomplished tonight; laundry, dishes, something. That is my goal for the night.

Relationships, Kids...blah

I feel like crap. I'm assuming it is due to the fact that I forgot to take my vitamin B6 today. It could be because I was out late picking up my mother from the airport. It also could be that the kids are crazy and the significant other is in a bad mood.

Whatever the reason, I don't feel good at all. I hate relationships. I'm terrible at them. If I wasn't pregnant, I'm sure I wouldn't be in one. It's just that I deal better with life alone. Relationships cause unwanted stress and tension. I don't like dealing with it. They do have their benefits, but today, I'm just over it.

The little ones have been extremely crazy as well, and they haven't been home 2 hours. I'm thankful to have a large yard that they can roam free. The younger boys are free range children anyway.

I think I might get some writing done this evening. I'm in the mood to vent and writing is the best way to channel that energy.

Writing, Facebook, and back to school...

I have been more diligent in my writing and decided to finish an article that I started a few weeks ago. I'm sure it's not my best work, but the more I right, they better I feel about it. I wish I could discipline myself to write everyday. Since I have had so many issues with morning sickness, I decided to write an article about remedies for morning sickness. I still take a Unisom each night.

Remedies for Morning Sickness

I also began a fan page for this blog on Facebook. So far, I believe there are 20 members, but it's only 24 hours old. I'm excited. I love meeting new people and discussing bipolar issues with real people. It is such a diverse illness with varying symptoms, and I think it is important for people who are affected by this disorder should converse with others who share the same feelings.

Tomorrow, the kids go back to school (Hallelujah!) and I am excited for the break, although I will miss sleeping in and hanging out with them. The house is a wreck again, and I need some alone time to clean up. It is making me miserable. I need a clean, happy home again! fa

Suicide...

"And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin'
Are the best I've ever had" - Mad World, by Tears for Fears

Suicide is a very frightening possibility in the bipolar world. Sometimes, like now, I feel strong, unbreakable, but I know that it is only temporary; just like the pain. I don't want to die! I love many things in life, such as my wonderful children, but even that isn't comforting when everything goes dark. I don't think anyone really wants to die, but sometimes it hurts so bad, that that seems like the only way to make it stop...forever.

In those times, there is no quick fix. I just hide away and tell myself over and over that this feeling will pass, and I am strong enough to live through it. There has to be a solution out there somewhere. Life is for the living. We only get one shot at it, no matter what the challenges we face. My hope is that I get a chance to leave my mark in this beautiful place before I leave it.

Happy New Year!

Yesterday, was quite busy, and I didn't get a chance to post. My oldest had an airsoft war with his friends and it was a lovely, quiet night. We burned the Christmas tree and just had a very nice evening.

Today, I slept in, which I fear doing sometimes because I don't like to get into that habit. Sometimes I get the urge to sleep in later and later until really I do nothing all day. I know that having a set bed time and time to wake up is important for bipolar people, but I never know how I'm going to feel in the morning. I'm sure if I tried to include more routine in my day it would help, but that is scary. I like my freedoms and somehow routines feel like they are intruding on them. Is that strange?

I didn't do much in the way of house cleaning, not even a load of laundry, but I'm using the excuse that it is a holiday. Tomorrow, I have lots to do because they kids go back to school the following day. I like preparing as much as I can. I'll pack lunches and backpacks, lay out clothes, etc. Why is it so easy to do this right after a vacation or weekend, but more difficult to follow through with on a daily basis. Suppose it doesn't hurt to try again...