Struggling with everything...

I am mid-anxiety attack right now, and it is hard to breathe. My heart feels like it is going to explode! My kids have the week off from school and I feel like everything is a battle. It hurts, both physically and mentally. All I want is a clean home! I ask everyone to pitch in and it is a constant battle until I break. I hate it. I shouldn't have to clean up after all of the inhabitants of my home, right?

They are very messy. Messier than they think, and I struggle everyday to clean up, just to wake up to a disaster the next morning. I'm really trying. They don't think they should have to clean unless someone is coming over. Really??

I came from a house, where if everything wasn't put back in its place by morning, my grandmother was livid! It was stressful to make sure that I didn't make a mess, or at least cleaned up everything before I went to bed. I didn't want my kids to have that kind of stress, but come on, they don't clean up anything! I wake up to wrappers and bottles all over, half empty cups, bowls, plates, you name it, everywhere!

I just want to cry! I can't handle having a messy home, one where I would be embarrassed to have anyone see! Clutter and mess depresses me and fighting with them about it causes anxiety. I feel nauseated and weak. This is not a feeling that I relish. Lack of organization is one of my triggers. I love things to be clean and organized. Sometimes I feel like that is unattainable...

Happy and sad...

Yesterday I spent nearly the entire day in bed, didn't do ANYTHING, not even a load of laundry. I watched House on the computer, didn't take a shower until 6pm, slept and stared at a computer screen. I was a mess. It makes me feel awful when I'm like that. I'm better than that. Like I've said before, sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Today, I woke up at 5am, battled the cold, and forced myself to get up and take my oldest son to school at 6am, so that he could go on a field trip to Catalina Island. He'll be back on Friday. I came home, got the rest of the kids ready, took them to school, came home, washed dishes, clothes, and began writing. What is wrong with me? I can be better, I know that I can, so why is it so hard to be consistent?

I cried, I miss my son, even though he's normally be at school now anyway. It's just that I know he's far away, I worry about him getting seasick because he wouldn't take any Dramamine, I hope that he's not too insecure to go snorkeling in a bathing suit (he hates wearing one) and I know he's not going to be mine for much longer. He'll be 14 next month, and in 4 years that little baby that made me a mom will be off on his own. He'll go off to college, and I won't be able to see him everyday. I don't like this part of being a parent, because although I will be his mother for eternity, I know I will always need him more than he needs me.

Rain, Rain...

It's raining this morning, which is very nice, but I have to go out in it, and I left clothes out on the line yesterday (waiting for my dryer to get fized). Since I've been feeling slightly less than happy, I decided to write this: Reflections: Being a good person Last I checked, it was ranked #1, but that can change quickly.

There are so many things on my mind it's a little hard to organize them properly. I feel a purge coming on. It always makes me feel more clear-headed when I get rid of things. I hate clutter. I don't have knickknacks or art on my walls (although I did promise the girl that she could create all my wall art). I don't own many things. I hate not having a place for everything, but that is the way it is right now. There are things, without homes, and it bothers me. My bedroom is a mess, and that is supposed to be my haven.

Things are getting cleaner around the house though. My son has a friend coming over so he chipped in cleaning too, which is wonderful! My daughter is being awful to me, and I don't have the strength to fight with her. She says the most horrible things to me and I wonder where all that anger comes from. I know I don't deserve it, because I treat her better than anyone ever treated me. I thought she would be excited when I picked her up yesterday, I brought her phone after I paid the bill, brought her a new pencil set she got in the mail, and she was still grumpy and angry. I'll blame it on puberty for now...

I think I need to bake something...that will make me feel better.

Relationships, Kids...blah

I feel like crap. I'm assuming it is due to the fact that I forgot to take my vitamin B6 today. It could be because I was out late picking up my mother from the airport. It also could be that the kids are crazy and the significant other is in a bad mood.

Whatever the reason, I don't feel good at all. I hate relationships. I'm terrible at them. If I wasn't pregnant, I'm sure I wouldn't be in one. It's just that I deal better with life alone. Relationships cause unwanted stress and tension. I don't like dealing with it. They do have their benefits, but today, I'm just over it.

The little ones have been extremely crazy as well, and they haven't been home 2 hours. I'm thankful to have a large yard that they can roam free. The younger boys are free range children anyway.

I think I might get some writing done this evening. I'm in the mood to vent and writing is the best way to channel that energy.