Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Distractions and Depression...

The last two days have been tumultuous to say that least. I am fighting that horrible depression monster from coming back...it's not time yet, I should be happy. Over the course of the past few days I have argued with the children for being disrespectful and rude, the van broke down on the way to school yesterday (still not fixed or even diagnosed), in the rain no less. We were expecting tax return money tomorrow, but the bank doesn't show the pending deposit so I'm a little stressed out. To top it off, I had a very long conversation with the SO last night about my condition, which apparently I'm supposed to able to will myself out of.

That was the worst. I am not the best verbal communicator. Sometimes, I'm on top of my game, but most of the time, I have to resort to written word to get my point across. I tried explaining this to SO last night. He likes to twist my words in order to win an argument, even though his point is not nearly as rational as mine. I don't see the point of winning an argument if I'm wrong, apparently he does.

So, last night, we were arguing and he told me that he doesn't understand my disorder and doesn't understand how I can't just make up my mind to change. I told him that I was born with this, he's seen me on meds, and he even laughed when I told him yes, suicide can be a side effect of some of the meds I've taken and that is why they made my problem worse, not better. I told him I didn't understand his battle with addiction, which he claims to have overcome on his own without intervention, but that didn't mean it wasn't a real issue. I have never been addicted to anything, yet I am compassionate to those that are affected by addiction, because I know it must be in their genes. If it wasn't, I would be just as likely to develop an addiction, but my anxiety won't allow that.
I have irrational fears, one of them is addiction. I've seen it in so many people, that I am very careful about drinking and taking meds. In fact, the only illegal drug I've ever used was marijuana and we all know that isn't addictive. I was overdosed accidentally in a hospital on Dilaudid (basically synthetic heroin) and spend nearly 3 days suffering from withdrawal symptoms, but was absolutely refused to take Vicodin (because it is opiate based) until those symptoms were gone, because I was terrified of developing an addiction. In some aspects, I am extremely strong-willed. However, he doesn't get that. With all of my will power, I can't fix my bipolar disorder. I can manage and cope, but even I don't know how this story will end.
It really hurts, and I feel so offended when people downplay this problem. It isn't an excuse, it is a reason. Why do I seclude myself, sometimes months at a time? It is because I don't like people? No, it's because I don't want them to see me in misery...I don't want them to see me weak. It's painful enough dealing with my shortcomings that I don't want to drag anyone else into it. I know it is probably very hard for my children to see, and I wish I could change that, but I think that it will make them more compassionate and understanding human beings. Even mommies aren't perfect. No one is, and it is no use trying.
I know he'll never understand my struggle. He thinks that I just want to be the center of attention and that my problems outrank his. It's just like the kidney stones, which I frequently get (which explains the Dilaudid). He thinks I WANT to go to the hospital. He doesn't understand the excruciating pain of passing a 5, 6, or even 7mm stone. Once, there were two 6mm stones stuck together. He thinks I have a low pain tolerance because SOMETIMES I need to go to the hospital. It's not even with every stone. It hurts my feelings, because come one, I have birthed 4 children, I know pain, and believe me, some of those kidney stones were nearly as painful as birthing a child. Of course, this is the same man who complained he had to sit in a chair all night while I got the bed when I was in labor with our son. I think he needs more compassion from me than I am able to give. Maybe I'm just too much a bitch, but I struggle every day of my life. I'm tired, I'm miserable, and I'm really sick of having to justify myself.


  1. Judgement comes easy with our family and friends...I hear you on this one, Colene. My constant mantra when I am experiencing the same stuff you are..."This too shall pass"..... I can understand your feelings & comments....Go with it, and know that it is all ok....Mary Ann

    1. Thank you! I love that saying. It is true. The negativity can't last forever.