Infections and bad dreams...

Last night was awful. I had a fever and my back was killing me. I knew it was a kidney infection and debated on whether or not to go to the ER last night, but I had the chills so bad that I just wanted to sleep.

I have issues with my kidneys, particularly the right one. There is always at least one stone in it, and every so often I get an infection, which is unpleasant, but treatable with antibiotics. My first one, when I was pregnant and 19, nearly killed us both because I mistook it for the flu. I was hospitalized for a week, and that is it's own story.

So, I went to bed at 8pm and was plagued with the worst dreams that a pregnant women could have. I had twins at a nearby hospital that had complications and the babies had to stay in the hospital. Well, I went to check on them, and they told me that the babies had died, but wouldn't let me see them. It felt like the dream went on forever. I talked from one person to the next, begging them all to let me see my children, but no one understood the purpose that would serve considering they were already dead. The things that go on in my brain can be so disturbing.

So, I wake up, and since I'm nearly 15 weeks pregnant, it is still a little early to feel the baby move. I wish I could feel him or her or at least hear his or her heartbeat. I know that everything is probably fine, but my anxiety gets to me. I have the most irrational fears sometimes.