Friday, January 20, 2012

Happiness and sadness...

Today, I am rather sad, but I'm not exactly sure why. I want to lie back down and sleep the day away, but I am forcing myself not to. I feel like there is something wrong, like I need to change something in my life and that circumstances are bringing me down.

I'm tired of being told what to do. That was what I loved about being single. I wish I could be single again, but not entirely. I was happier single, but then there's the baby, but I need help. I just want to be want to make my own decisions without criticism and snide remarks. I'm not all. I'm a grown women and I have the right to make my own decisions, even if I end up being wrong, right?

I was thinking about things on the drive home this morning. I used to think what I felt between the depression and the mania was 'normal' but even in those times, like now, it's a challenge. The only time I ever felt normal was the first week I was on Depakote. I remember it wasn't exactly mania, but I felt clear headed, I didn't feel like everyday was a struggle. I could rationalize without the anxiety and I could get out of bed in the morning without feeling like living was an uphill battle. Too bad the next week was followed by suicidal depression and homicidal rage. I miss that 'normal' feeling.

It's quiet and I could be doing plenty of things, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. If I sit down and relax, I feel like the feeling might get worse. But if I push myself the same could happen. Don't like this feeling at all...


  1. That's a really hard place to be and you should be proud you are trying to push through. Being bipolar is like walking uphill in the snow, both ways. My husband struggles with this daily and I know your pain. Please keep fighting, it's worth it. Besides normalcy is so overrated.

    1. It is people like you that I admire, because you support your husband despite his struggle. There aren't enough people like you out there. And you're right, normalcy is overrated. :)