Happiness and sadness...

Today, I am rather sad, but I'm not exactly sure why. I want to lie back down and sleep the day away, but I am forcing myself not to. I feel like there is something wrong, like I need to change something in my life and that circumstances are bringing me down.

I'm tired of being told what to do. That was what I loved about being single. I wish I could be single again, but not entirely. I was happier single, but then there's the baby, but I need help. I just want to be want to make my own decisions without criticism and snide remarks. I'm not submissive...at all. I'm a grown women and I have the right to make my own decisions, even if I end up being wrong, right?

I was thinking about things on the drive home this morning. I used to think what I felt between the depression and the mania was 'normal' but even in those times, like now, it's a challenge. The only time I ever felt normal was the first week I was on Depakote. I remember it wasn't exactly mania, but I felt clear headed, I didn't feel like everyday was a struggle. I could rationalize without the anxiety and I could get out of bed in the morning without feeling like living was an uphill battle. Too bad the next week was followed by suicidal depression and homicidal rage. I miss that 'normal' feeling.

It's quiet and I could be doing plenty of things, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet. If I sit down and relax, I feel like the feeling might get worse. But if I push myself the same could happen. Don't like this feeling at all...